


What's This?

by Sablesilverrain



Series: An Omega's Place [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Deleted Scene, Gen, I'm not sorry, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-05
Updated: 2020-02-05
Packaged: 2021-02-27 18:34:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22570294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sablesilverrain/pseuds/Sablesilverrain
Summary: Cracky outtake from AOP chapter 20. Not to be taken seriously.
Relationships: Harry Potter/Lucius Malfoy
Series: An Omega's Place [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1623991
Comments: 18
Kudos: 68





	What's This?

**Author's Note:**

> Blame Tayturtle for this one, too. The lyrics are totally not mine, this was a joint effort with Tay doing the bulk of the work. I just wrote the exposition.

Lucius was out of his depth here, and he knew it. He looked around the kitchen as his meat and rice cooked, and felt the inexplicable urge to sing as he worked, to make the arduous task go faster.

He took a break and had Mipsy watch the cooking meat as he began to poke around, opening cupboards and examining the contents with confused interest. It was _his_ kitchen; he was _allowed_ to snoop!

“What’s this? What’s this? There’s spices everywhere!” He accidentally knocked the bag of rice on the island over, spilling it. The elves quickly began to clean the mess as he continued. “What’s this? There’s rice grains in the chair!” He began picking up and examining various cooking implements in wonder and a fair amount of perplexity. “What’s this? I can’t believe my eyes, I must be dreaming; Wake up Luce, this isn’t fair! What’s this?”

Mipsy made a sound of distress and Lucius hurried back over to find she had been cooking the vegetables without his instruction. There was smoke coming from the oven where some of the vegetables were being cooked before being added to the dish, to reach the desired texture.

“What’s this? What’s this? There’s something very wrong! What’s this?” He looked her way and coughed at the smoke. “The green things baked too long!”

Mipsy’s ears drooped and she nodded sadly, setting the dish aside and starting a new one.

“What’s this? The pots are full with broth and this is hardly passing. I hope this makes him happy; have I possibly gone daffy? What is this? What is this?” He was frantically stirring now, adding in the oyster sauce and he knew the fumes would soon start to affect him.

Harry was worth it, though.

He looked around and saw the house-elves watching him mistrustfully. “There are house-elves throwing glares, instead of chopping pears. I’m busy cooking choy, but absolutely no one’s fed!”

The kitchen was a mess now, but Lucius was not to be deterred.

“There’s froth on every surface—oh, I can’t believe my eyes—and in my mind I see the course, I’m just hoping it’s not fried. Oh, look, what’s this?” He turned to Mipsy and pulled the recipe book out of his pocket. “I’m cooking from a book, I miss.” He turned the page and his eyes widened at the recipe on it. “Why that looks so unique, inspired! I’m gathering ingredients to prepare, roasting chestnuts on a fire. What’s this? What’s this?” He knocked over one of the bottles near him with his elbow, and the flames on the oven jumped from minimal to five feet high for a moment. “On here I’ve spilled a little grease, I fear, and who would ever think—And Why?” He began adding in the herbs and the vegetables Mipsy had managed to get ready for him.

“I’m filling it with tiny things, I’ve got many herbs on strings, and there’s a smile on his face. So, now, I hope that I’m not wrong!” Lucius was imagining his success now. He was so close!

Meanwhile, the house-elves were running around cleaning everything and putting out the little flames that had spread to the surrounding areas during his oil spill while Lucius carried on, ignoring them and continuing to cook and sing.

“This just might work! This just might work! Oh, could it be I’ll get my wish? What’s this?” Lucius read the recipe for egg rolls and decided to try to make them, too.

He finally noticed the house-elves’ activity and frowned. “Oh my, what now? The house-elves start to freak. But look, I’ve got many things to seek. No fools, no wizards here to curse and scare them, or impair them, only many yellow things, round inside their big pan—What’s this?”

The house-elves began quietly talking, coordinating their efforts to avoid Lucius blowing up or burning down the house. They could tell he was getting close to done by the smell of the food, and just wanted him out. He was a menace in the kitchen.

“The cauldrons are all bubbling, and the peppers can’t be found, and in their place, there seems to be a bunch of carrots all around! Instead of delicacies, I swear, I can smell burnt pasta in the air. The smell of wine and pies are absolutely everywhere! The meats, in pounds, food’s everywhere and all around.”

He turned to Mipsy and made a confession, knowing it would never leave the kitchen. “I’ve never felt so scared before! This empty place inside of me is filling up, I simply hope he can’t get enough—I want him, oh, I want him, oh, I want him for my own!”

He turned back to the food and began loading it onto a tray, using his finest china and giving Harry generous portions, hoping his snack had been long enough ago that he could fully enjoy this meal.

“I’ve got to know, I’ve got to know, What are all these things I’ve found? What is this?”

The house-elves breathed a collective sigh of relief as Lucius, task completed, left the room for Harry’s bedroom, ready to deliver the food he had worked so hard to prepare.

Mipsy turned to her fellow elves. “Locking spell on door. Now.” She squeaked.


End file.
